Woodford Green cc v Wanstead and Snaresbrook Cricket Club Slow Coaches on Wed 14 Jun 2017 at 6pm
Wanstead and Snaresbrook Cricket Club Lost by 6 runs

Match report Dear Wanstead CC reader

Re Woodford Green v Slowcoaches 14th June 2017

I am writing this letter to you to beg, nay implore you not to read this report as it contains a record of some goings on that do not deserve to be shared with the public and do not present the slowcoaches at all in a good light. In fact it makes them appear professional, something of the like they have never been accused of being. I have tried to present the information in a way that makes the Slowcoaches that we are used to appear to behave in the way everyone expects them to. But there is a very unsavoury incident which you will no doubt hear about that happened in the match. I as the editor of the report am apologising unreservedly for this incident and I write here knowing that it has been said that this incident will never be repeated and the responsible Slowcoach has been disciplined for this behaviour.

Yours sincerely

A N Other
Editor In Chief

On to the report...

As you may have already seen prior to reading this report, that the Slowcoaches nearly chased down a rather substantial T20 total set by Woodford Green. The total in the end was 164, but during the actual match that 164 was looking more like being 264. Woodford Green were on fire and they were finding the boundaries without any trouble. In fact the runs were coming so fast it didn't matter if Wanstead had 30 fielders, Woodford would have found a gap or hit the ball over the fielders heads. Wanstead were leaking like sieves and couldn't catch a cold their fielding was that dire. More about this leaking later as players will be named.
One of the big successes of the evening for the find of J Gittens, wicket keeper. He was awesome, like a ferret on speed...quick hands and feet, he never stopped moving . Most un Slowcoaches like, a great find. (And before anyone says anything, this is not the poor behaviour I was mentioning earlier). John also played a strong part in the run chase, but you will read more about that later.

It has been suggested that each of the players be accorded a score for their performances for example S Toddy, effort 10/10, stopping ball from reaching the boundary 0/10, J Croker, using body to stop the ball moving 10/10, catching the ball 0/10 (on multiple attempts). In fact the only person to successfully catch anything without wearing gloves was Zac, the youngster of the troupe. So, here I officially thank Zac on behalf of the other Slowcoaches for the effort and contribution 10/10. You shouldered more during that match than any other Slowcoach, well done. And the money Joe pays you ain't anywhere enough. Another player who deservedly gets a 10 is John Gittens. If I was scoring the rest of the team it would be a long convoluted explanation because all of the scores would need qualifying because I know some of the players would be upset because they have a very different view of their abilities and perhaps would understand the nuances of the reasons for the scores. (Writing a long and convoluted report is something that you always write, so why the change of heart?.Actually by the time you finish this report it will already be longwinded and convoluted, so how will the reader know the difference?...Ed) Unbelievable, more unwarranted, hurtful criticism from the Editor.

Moving on, one of the biggest problems Wanstead experienced fielding wise was the sun. I would have been easier to Bat first and not have the sun as a problem later on in the match. But the low sun did affect the catching of the Wanstead Players.

(Wow some genuine reasoning for issues on the field, now that's a first...Ed)

Its time for a break, back later

And we are back...

This is the part of the report where I find myself having to apologise for the unsavoury behaviours of one of our players. When you actually read what happens, the word unsavoury may transform into 'unspeakable' and I will fully understand if a formal complaint is made to the Chairman. My disgust is almost tangible and there are a number of players that have registered their dismay at what happened. Anyway before I discuss the incident, its only fair to actually give the reader the complete context so they can fully understand what has gone on and the disgust in which the whole team feel about what happened.

The context...

As I have already said, Wanstead were on the receiving end of a beating. Woodford Green were hitting the bowlers all over Woodford. Normally the Slowcoaches bowlers, bowl reasonably well. Well not tonight. As Joe put it 'cant any of them bowl at the off stump?'. The bowlers will give the Woodford batsmen some lovely stuff to pepper the boundaries with. And also given our poor fielding, the slowcoaches were helping push the hits from the batsmen that might not make to the boundary with a little push or kick. Standard long hops or wide outside off stump were the delivery of the night. All of which was despatched accordingly. The Woodford Green batsmen were lapping it up. That is until Joe had a stroke of genius. He called on a rarely used bowler, Matloob Piracha. (Matloob had moved about 2 paces all innings, standing in the shade of the tree right by the pavilion.) Joe knew he had to try something different and that something different was Matloob. Well, in his first over Matloob got tonked, boy was he tonked. The stroke of genius Joe thought he had was looking more like a decision to call an election when you want to increase your majority but then you find your decisions suck big time. Okay, Joe grabs a bit of air and breathes deeply. Decides to give Matloob another go. What the hell, so he's getting tonked just like the rest, so what if Woodford make 250, Joe had tried something. Give a person a game/opportunity and then hold it against them for all of eternity, that Joe's philosophy. Anyway, the offering of the second over, was the stroke of genius Joe was looking for, Matloob took 4 wickets. Blew away the Woodford Green middle order. A hatrick, a wide and then another wicket. Four wickets, astounding over, unbelievable at points. A real stroke of genius I can hear you thinking. Absolutely, everyone would agree with you. But this is where the genius gives way to appalling. This is where the finer detail needs emphasising as to why the Slowcoaches are in disgust and apologetic for what subsequently happened. Let me walk you through what happened. Right the Woodford wickets were tumbling, the hatrick was on and 'Jug ball' was shouted before the third delivery was bowled. For the uninitiated 'jug ball' means that if the bowler gets a wicket with that delivery, they have to buy his team a jug of whatever the team decides they would like to share after the match has finished. A 'rule' that has been played out for as long a cricket has been played and honoured by all of the players. Well, Matloob bowls the batsmans middle stump and the Slowcoaches all cheer thinking that they are going to be the recipients of some drinks from the bowler.

The Woodford Innings comes to a close, its getting dark, The slowcoaches openers of Richard Walsh and Jim Croker take to the field in a valiant attempt to chase down the 165 runs required to win. Well the slowcoaches were in good cheer partly because they felt that this was an achievable target. Before the middle order collapse, Woodford were very much in the winning position and the slowcoaches were looking like the also rans. But 165 was the target and there was a jug waiting for them when they had finished. Wickets tumbled but some excellent bowling from the Woodford team kept the target just out of the Wanstead grasp and Slowcoaches missed the target by 6 runs. What an effort boys. Big thanks for the effort made by Jim, Richard (well Richard made only 2, but hey it was a contribution), Chris, Alan (Less so Alan, he ran himself out), John and Steve. So at the end of the 20 over, the Slowcoaches had lost their second match of the Friendly League, and the traipse back to the pavilion. In their solace they had forgotten about the winnings they had earned. There was supposed to be a jug on the bar for them. Where was it? This is were it becomes truly unsavoury, Matloob had forgotten. He had forgotten about how his team had supported him and the was to cheer them up with this jug, this chalice of nectar that would free them from the solace they found themselves in. Where was this jug? answer nowhere. It was well past closing time when someone spotted that there was a missing jug and the jug ball hadn't been fulfilled.

So I make this plea now, to all that played or have read this report and like me are appalled that the jug ball tradition has been so ignored, relegated to 'I forgot', to uphold the traditions of Jug Ball and shout to Matloob Piracha to ensure that he fulfils his obligations to the honour of the jug ball and the slowcoaches never again, or any other team have to suffer such an erosion of this great tradition. HONOUR THE JUG, and ensure that those who fail to uphold this can never be found in dark corners, avoiding their responsibilities. Ensure that the light of the jug shines everywhere.

OH MY GOD, all of this is about a Jug of beer! You could have just said 'Matloob didn't by a jug, so he has to buy it next time, plus pay a fine of an additional jug for forgetting'. But no, the players in this club have to read a piece about THIS!!!!

Its more than just a piece about a jug. Its about camaraderie, its about a team that fought valiantly together in the face of total annihilation, but came through and should have got what they are traditionally entitled to. So everyone that meets Matloob Piracha from now on needs to ask him the question, "Has his team had the jug?"

And its here that I end this piece. The story wont be finished until the jug has been served and honour has been retrieved. I write these not only for the Slowcoaches that have had to be put in this horrendous position, but I also speak to the many who uphold the tradition of the jug. Don't let this bout of forgetfulness become the norm. Don't let it seep into the fabric of our existence. Uphold the values of the jug and don't let it fade. So until later, remember people, "Has the team had its jug?"

Woodford Green cc Batting
Player name RunsMB4s6sSR
for 10 wickets
164 (20.0 overs)

Wanstead and Snaresbrook Cricket Club Slow Coaches Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Sohail Ahmed3.003700.0012.33
Richard Walsh4.0029214.507.25
Alan Lord3.0020120.006.67
A.N. Other2.0014114.007.00
Chris Powell3.002500.008.33
Matloob Piracha4.002446.006.00
Jim Croker2.00818.004.00

Wanstead and Snaresbrook Cricket Club Slow Coaches Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
for 4 wickets

(20.0 overs)
Joe Palmer  
Richard Walsh Run out  2
Sohail Ahmed  
Jim Croker Bowled  30
Alan Lord Run out  1
Chris Powell Bowled  57
Matloob Piracha  
William Gritten Not Out  23
Ramon Chesney  
Steve Terrington Not Out  18
A.N. Other  

Woodford Green cc Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.